I didn’t realize I’d been holding my breath until the moment he was gone, the moment that life as I’d known it changed forever.
It had been 2-1/2 years since I drew in that deep breath, clutching the seat of the designated guest chair beside the doctor’s exam table, attempting to brace myself for the devastating blow of Mike’s grave diagnosis. Now, with the cancer battle over, that sharp, suffocating breath was finally seeping out between my tear dampened lips.
It was time to let our loved ones know, but how could I string together the words to inform them of what just occurred? With each brrr-ing of the ringback tone a new sentence came to mind. All of a sudden, the sound of mom’s voice broke through the course of my thoughts. Feeling somewhat unprepared, I forced the words out for the very first time…
“He just…passed”
They felt so heavy and awkward on my tongue, like they didn’t belong there. Strangely, saying the words out loud made everything all the more real, all the more final, and, with the unrestrained force of the ocean, a tumbling wave of emotion crashed over me, despite the peace I had experienced in knowing that my beloved was healed and with his Savior.
As heart-wrenching as they were to verbalize, I knew these words would usher in an overwhelming outpour of love and support from those most dear.
So, I continued to make calls, along with Mike’s mom, and gradually we were joined by Mike’s brother, his sister, his future brother-in-law, and my parents. While not all of our family could be there, we felt the covering of their loving prayers from a distance.
Comfort invaded the room as we spent time grieving with one another, reflecting on this incredible man’s love for his family and for Jesus, sharing our concerns, but most notably…our hope.
“God’s not just going to take Mike and leave a void!” Dad confidently exclaimed, despite the tears.
Those words continuously ring in my mind.
As you can imagine, the loss of a stellar husband and father leaves quite a glaring gap.
I’d often question how my size 8 feet could possibly fill his size 13 shoes, especially in the way he shepherded our family.
He so wisely and carefully led us where he was instructed by God to take us, working to ensure that we were financially stable, always offering sound biblical counsel, supporting and encouraging us to see and stir up the gifts God had given, stepping up as a loving disciplinarian for the kids, exemplifying a Godly man and leader in the home, simply loving us and loving us well.
How would life look in his absence…for our kids…for me?
Cancer seemingly tore through the landscape of our lives like a rapid mega flood, leaving a Grand Canyon for this widowed mama of two to traverse.
Yet, in His faithfulness, God tenderly whispers to my heart “I will never leave you, nor forsake you”….
Surely, it’s through this promise that Jesus is teaching me contentment.
5 Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Hebrews 13:5
I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: 12 I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:11-13
Certainly, in the days, seasons, and years that have followed his passing, we’ve faced the gap that remains in every nook that Mike occupied.
Perhaps, you’ve found yourself staring into a gap as well, maybe a gap forged through circumstances other than widowhood.
I’ve found that without careful attention, we’re liable to stumble over the gap into the rushing river of covetousness. You know, that river swiftly carrying our “if only’s” to the ocean of resentment and anger.
When I find myself tripping up over Mike’s absence and beginning to think, “if only Mike were still here, then _______,” I am reminded that my Savior is still with me and He will never leave me.
So often we fail to recognize the incomparable value of His presence, don’t we? We easily get caught up in all that we feel is missing, only to overlook the greatest gift in our possession, the faithful companionship of Jesus, our Good Shepherd.
Traversing this canyon with Him turns an overwhelming, tedious, frightening task into one that is beautiful, though difficult, and dare I say joyful, though painful.
The Lord God is my strength;
He will make my feet like deer’s feet,
And He will make me walk on my high hills.
Habakkuk 3:19
You will show me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
Psalm 16:11
In addition to tripping over the gap into covetousness, I’ve discovered that there is a danger in attempting to fill the gap with my own effort and know-how. Sooner or later, the endeavor fails, and I wind up in the deep ravine of discouragement and despair.
Surely, there is no pit so deep that our Heavenly Father cannot reach us and pull us out. Yet, God has shown me time and time again, I can be spared the plummet into despair when I simply trust Him to fill the gap in His own way. How freeing it is when I cease striving and I rest in His plan. How foolish to think that everything is hinging on me.
Truly, He’s had the answers to all of my “how” questions:
How am I going to tell my kids their dad died? How am I going to help them grieve, while I’m grieving? How am I going to provide for my family (especially in the state of CA), when I haven’t worked in two years? How am I going to parent on my own? etc…
He answered…
- I AM – I am already preparing their hearts to hear the news.
- I AM – I am the One who knows and heals hearts.
- I AM – I am and have always been your provider.
- I AM – I am here to Father the orphan and I am here to strengthen and help you.
I’ve found that God doesn’t allow gaps in our lives that He is not prepared to stand in for us. Fear, anxiety, loneliness, and despair overwhelm us when we try to assume a place that only He can fill.
The cross seems to be the clearest evidence of this truth. Sin left a chasm between us and God that no mere man could bridge. Were not our hearts overwhelmed and afraid when we realized the impossibility of making our own way across? But, in accordance with a plan established before the foundation of the world, Jesus stood in that chasm, graciously bridging the gap over our greatest divide, granting us safe passage when we take His way to the other side.
Hallelujah! What a Savior!
Dearest Lord Jesus,
You are worthy of all glory honor and praise. Thank you for sovereignly choosing to stand in the gap for us, first and foremost, for our salvation. Today and everyday, help us to mind the apparent gaps we encounter on our journey through this life. May we carefully avoid the stumble into “if only” and the fall into self-sufficiency. Rather, help us to enjoy the companionship of our Good Shepherd. May we follow You across the divide and rest in Your sufficiency. Thank you for the promise of Your presence, for never leaving nor forsaking us.
In Your holy name, I pray these things! Amen.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43:19
Wow!!!!!! Praise and all Glory to God!!!!
I Love You Erin, Dad
Thanks Dad! Love you!
Erin, this is beautiful beyond my ability to express in words. You capture the wound of grief to our souls, apply our great healer’s scalpel to excise the jagged edges of what-if, if-only and self-preoccupation and provide a liberal covering of God’s faithfulness in keeping his promises as we heal. Jesus acknowledges us, loves, comforts, and heals. He is our blessed hope. Thank you for being his pen today.
Thank you so much Marilyn! That means more than you know! Thanks for nudging me to get back to writing!! Love you dear friend!
What a beautiful expression of faith through the fire! Erin, you are blossoming in so many ways, which helps hurting people see God’s mighty hand and caring heart. I have been encouraged by this writing and your courage to share it.
💕 Darla J. Short~ Lewis
Wow, thank you so much Darla! I admire you and the grace with which you’ve walked this road! You are a true gem! Love you!
Erin, this was beautifully written and heartfelt. It’s only been over a year since my Karl passed into glory, but so many familiar feelings and concerns of mine were echoed in this blog. Thank you for sharing your heart. 💜💜💜
Thanks so much for sharing with me! God is so faithful! Praying for you all as you continue on this journey.
Oh sweet Erin, you’ve touched my heart so deeply today. Thank you for letting God speak through you. Your words will resound with everyone who’s lost not just a husband but anyone they love.
Thank you, bless you, what an awesome Lord we serve.♥️
Thank you so much Cindy for sharing and for your kind encouragement. It truly blesses me to know that the Lord is touching hearts as I navigate the things He is showing me. Indeed, He is AWESOME!
Erin, you have been given a beloved gift and you eloquently use it to bless others, openly and transparently sharing your own journey to instruct, exhort and even gently correct our thinking so our hearts line up more closely with the heart of our Savior. You express yourself so beautifully, and I thank you for drawing us into the Presence and Love of God. 💜
Wow, thank you so much for this encouragement Rochelle! I’m so blessed that you take the time to read the Lord is stirring in my heart. It means more than you know!
Beautifully written Erin. I so appreciate your gift of expression, and the humble sincerity behind it since it stems from a deeply personal place. It’s clear that the overarching power of God’s love and grace has been poured over you and flows through you to bless and encourage others. His purpose and plans will be completed in your life and the lives of your precious children because Jesus reigns in your heart. All glory to Him!
Amen! All glory to Him! Thank you so much for being a faithful voice of encouragement in my life. I’m so thankful for you!
Erin,
This was so beautifully written. You allow us to see and feel all the emotions, struggles, and victories through Christ that you have experienced. Your words touch so many hearts. I often think about Mike and my memories drift between his 8 year old face in my classroom and the amazing man that impacted my own kids. Mike will forever be in my heart. You make a difference in all who know you. I feel blessed to be connected to your family. You are truly amazing! Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. He truly can make beauty out of ashes.
I can’t tell you what a blessing it is to know that Mike is still remembered, especially, since he is on our minds daily! Your encouragement means more than you know! Mike shared with me how you were the standout teacher in his youth. He so treasured the time you invested in him. Much love to you and the kids!
Beautifully written my sweet friend. Thank you for sharing. 💜
Thanks so much for reading Deanna! Much love to you all!
Erin, your writing is so beautiful and truer words never spoken! Thank you so much for sharing this with others. These words and stories like yours and our family’s bring comfort to many people. I am so deeply proud of you and I am so amazed by your grace (as was my brother) Love you dearly!
Thanks so much Shell! You have encouraged me from the very beginning to start this blog and I’m so grateful! Your loving support means the world! I feel so privileged to be apart of the family! Love you so very much ❤️
Erin,
Your writing is a magnificent gift. Thank you for sharing and providing all of us the opportunity to share with our friends and family.
Love to all.
Nancy
Thank you so much for your encouragement Nancy! Lately I’ve been thinking we need to plan another visit your way! Much love to you all!
You never cease to amaze me Erin. You have captured the moment of Mike’s passing in full transparency and humility. You continue to honor your husband not only through your writing but more importantly in the way you seek and follow the Lord. You lovingly lead your children in the way that they should go and I can’t help but believe that Mike would be so proud of the job you are doing.
You have not forgotten where your strength comes from, you freely declare it. Your help comes from the Lord . You reflect His presence in your life that others might see Him and be strengthened by your faith. I see His hand upon you, guiding and directing your steps. He is filling that gap. You are His treasure and He is meeting your needs according to His riches in grace.
Keep trusting, keep seeking, and please keep writing. God is touching lives through you!
Love, Mom
Thank you so much Mom! You certainly have a front row seat to all of these things and I’m so appreciative of your continuous support and faithful encouragement! They mean more than you know! Love you so much!!
What wonderful and beautiful words Erin!!! It’s wonderful to know you and to read your blog! I love to read the amazing things God has revealed to you over time as you continue to thrive as a mother of two beautiful babies!!! I’ve only known you (almost) two years, but I feel like I’ve known you a lot longer!!! Thank you for your transparency!! This blog always encourages me!!! Love you sis!!❤️😘
Erin,
Wow, what a gift you have for writing! You are able to express yourself so beautifully. I was completely drawn in and could feel the emotions, struggles, and yet joy of the Lord! Thanks for an open and willing heart to share your innermost thoughts regarding this season of loss. No doubt you have ministered to many who have walked this road and to those who will eventually be where you are. The Lord will continue to lead you on this journey. May you be encouraged to explore more in the writing field…….I would rush to buy a book you wrote!!!!! Blessings, Erin.