(Written June 15, 2018)
Tears silently rolled down my cheeks as I laid there on my white washed wooden twin bed, running my ten-year-old fingers over the three hearts cut out of the headboard. Something about those three hearts drew my mind to the Triune God who loved me, the One whom I knew, down to the core, was worthy of following. Many in my family loved Jesus, but, time had revealed that most of my friends did not. Unknowingly, in an effort to “fit-in”, I had drifted towards a rather dangerous current. Where it would take me, I didn’t know. Yet, God knows and sees all from His Heavenly throne. Like a dutiful lifeguard, He got to me before the current swept me up.
Still, with each tear, I contemplated how my renewed commitment to walk in His ways would mean the loss of very dear friends. They neither understood the surpassing love, mercy, and grace of so great a Savior, nor the blessings that accompany obeying His Word. As I laid in my bed, I realized that God would soon teach me how to manage loneliness. I couldn’t have known at the time how foundational this lesson would be for the years ahead. Indeed, several seasons of loneliness have come and gone. Rather than despair of them, God lovingly showed me hidden treasures were waiting there, if I were to embrace Him in the season.
Loneliness is a curious feeling. Suddenly and deceptively it creeps into the heart, regardless of what one intellectually knows to be true. There, it produces an ache with the ability to arrest even the most joyous occasions. It ambushes us as we enter an empty house or find ourselves seated across from an empty chair, prodding us over the absence of life’s significant people. Sometimes even while surrounded by dear ones this intruder invades our heart, convincing us of our emotional isolation. Oh, how familiar is that devilish voice echoing:
“they don’t understand you” … “if they discover this about you, they will reject and abandon you”…”they don’t really care about you”…”your thoughts and feelings have no merit or importance to them”…”the pain you’re experiencing is too much for anybody else to handle”…and so on…
Though a great enemy deceitfully seeks to use feelings of loneliness to entrap, the still small voice who seals me as a daughter of the Most High faithfully reminds me:
I’m NEVER ALONE
Hebrews 13:5b
For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
♦
Psalm 139:7-12
Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
I’m FULLY KNOWN
Psalm 139: 1-6
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
I’m UNDOUBTEDLY LOVED
Romans 5:8
8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
♦
Psalm 139:17-18
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
♦
Hosea 2:19-20
“I will betroth you to Me forever;
Yes, I will betroth you to Me
In righteousness and justice,
In lovingkindness and mercy;
20 I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness,
And you shall know the Lord.
Indeed, these are the truths that enable me to welcome the lonely seasons.
Deep in the night when sweet memories meld with the vacancy at my side, I’m NOT ALONE for God is there with me. On those days where parenting feels overwhelming and the absence of our team captain is glaring, I’m NOT parenting ALONE for He is still with me. When the date on the calendar holds particular significance and the person who made it meaningful must observe from Heaven, I’m NOT remembering ALONE for HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN WITH ME.
Moreover, when my own heart is a stranger to me, God understands me FULLY. When there are words on my tongue that I lack the courage to share, He perceives them THOROUGHLY. As life’s journey takes me down a path that seems foreign to everyone else around me, He comprehends my path WHOLLY. The good…the bad…the beautiful…the ugly… I have been SEARCHED and I’m KNOWN BY GOD. Even when my thoughts and feelings are erroneous and deceiving, He who knows me completely proves to be the only One who effectively leads me into truth and righteousness.
Furthermore, when I find myself discouraged by my many shortcomings, the CROSS reveals that JESUS LOVED ME before I was lovely. When the world fails to affirm my value, the CROSS declares I’m most PRECIOUS to HIM. When man rejects me, the CROSS proclaims that HE CHOSE ME before the foundation of the world. In the midst of life’s uncertainties and my insecurities, I can rest securely in His unfailing love for me.
As difficult as it was to watch my husband suffer through cancer, it was all the more challenging to watch him wrestle over the impact that his “Home-going” would have on the kids and me. In order to provide Mike the needed assurance that we’d all be okay, we had to be willing to accept this season. Truly, as I released my grip on Mike and embraced Jesus all the more, I began to discover those treasures buried deep beneath the lonely ground.
I’ve unearthed:
Treasured Intimacy with God
Long after the sun has gone down and all is quiet, I grow more acquainted with His voice. As I go about my day and the urge comes to send Mike a text or share a story, I find myself talking to the Lord in his place. It seems to be in the midst of loneliness that our eyes can be further widened to what a devoted friend He is to us – always inclining His ear to us, sharing His heart and giving us wisdom as needed, directing us in the way we should go, gently correcting us when we are off-base, etc.
Treasured Comfort and Healing
Surely, bearing witness to the process by which cancer takes a strong young man of 29 to his eternal Home at age 32 involves a share of trauma. Without question, the supernatural peace of God carries us through, but still, internal wounds develop along the way that require His special attention. In the lonely season I find God tending to those wounds one by one. He draws them to the surface. In the process, He comforts me with His presence, He quiets me with His love, He allows me to wrestle with Him, and He reveals truth to me through His word.
Treasured Contentment in Christ
Perhaps you’ve heard this quote before: “You don’t know God is all you need until He is all you have.” I certainly don’t claim to be in the position of having nothing but Jesus. I recognize that God never fails to bless me with a great deal more than I deserve. However, when you must let go of something or someone you think you can’t live without, it sometimes feels as though you are in that place. After suffering a great loss, I’ve learned to be content in Christ. I learned it at 10 years old when old friendships came to an end and now as a young widow I’m experiencing in a profound way the sufficiency of Christ. He is enough for me. It’s not just a fanciful idea, but a proven reality.
Treasured Perspective on People
In addition to a growing intimacy with Jesus, comfort and healing in the hidden places of the heart, and a deep seeded contentment in Christ, there is a greater awareness and perspective of people. God opened my eyes to the Body of Christ as well as the beauty of all it’s members. He’s given me better vision to see the pain people are facing and increased my compassion. He’s brought about a desire to comfort others with the same comfort He’s bestowed to me. He’s ignited a fire to bring Jesus to those who haven’t tasted His goodness. Rather than worrying so much about man’s perceptions or trying to fit into a certain mold, there is freedom to be exactly who God designed me to be. Withal, there is true appreciation for those who have remained the closest, cherishing their presence and the moments that God has given us to share.
Yes, we can manage the lonely seasons by embracing Jesus, and, as we embrace Him, we can discover the most wonderful treasures for our journey through life.
“I come to the garden alone
While the dew is still on the roses
And the voice I hear, falling on my ear
The Son of God discloses
And He walks with me
And He talks with me
And He tells me I am His own
And the joy we share as we tarry there
None other has ever known
He speaks and the sound of His voice
Is so sweet the birds hush their singing
And the melody that He gave to me
Within my heart is ringing
And He walks with me
And He talks with me
And He tells me I am His own
And the joy we share as we tarry there
None other has ever known
I’d stay in the garden with Him
‘Tho the night around me be falling
But He bids me go; through the voice of woe
His voice to me is calling
And He walks with me
And He talks with me
And He tells me I am His own
And the joy we share as we tarry there
None other has ever known”
In the Garden, written by Charles Austin Miles