It’s a bit surreal when I think that the three of us have made it through six months without our beloved Mike aka “Daddy”. Just seven months ago, the prospect of living life without him seemed impossible to bear, and yet, we have made it thus far and still find cause to smile, we still laugh, and we still find reason to rejoice, despite the brokenness we carry, despite the aching and longing for him to be here, and despite the wondering at times as to why God saw this as best for us. Even in this next chapter of life I’m still finding that…
13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
-Philippians 4:13 NKJV-
I say still because this is something that I’ve found to be consistently true over the last twenty-seven years spent walking with Jesus.
I found it true as a 5th grader when I had to choose whether to follow my friends or follow Jesus.
I found it true in high school PE on Fridays as I gasped for air and clutched my side like the victim of a stabbing, trying to escape the endless laps around the baseball field.
I found it true as I opened the little black block box bearing a letter that held the power to unlock the door to a nineteen year-old’s well thought out future, only to be met with a second rejection.
I found it true when God revealed a most sensitive betrayal, shattering my storybook ideas of a real Prince Charming.
I found it true when a man dawning a white lab coat and tie over a perfectly pressed pair of steel gray trousers stated that the man God designed perfectly for me, the other half of my heart and the father of our two most cherished gifts, had an advanced form of a very rare cancer.
I found it true through the confusion and heartbreak that came with the door to our Ireland church planting endeavor slamming shut just as we were stepping across the threshold.
I found it true through all of the ups and downs and every twist and turn that came with the cancer fight … the surgeries, the chemo, the test results, the unplanned hospital stays, the clinical trial, the conclusion that the treatments weren’t working, etc…
And…
I even found it true when the time came to say goodbye for now.
Indeed, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
However, the emphasis isn’t so much on what I can do, but on Christ who is giving me, giving all of us, strength. Surely, apart from Christ, apart from His grace, apart from His providence, apart from the comfort of His love, we would be drowning in sorrow.
But…
God is faithfully supplying the strength that is needed to press on. He has gone before us and identified our every need…physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually…and He has provided for us. He is helping us learn how to adjust to life as a family of three. He is helping me to accept this very difficult shift from wife to widow.
Perhaps upon reading the title of this post you initially thought the “three” I was referring to were Chloe, Caleb and me, but what I really wanted to share was a treasure that the Lord showed me, which is also the inspiration for the title of my blog.
I remember about a month or so after Mike’s passing I was asked my marital status for funds that I was supposedly going to receive. Of course, it was some sort of scam, but it was the first time that it really hit me that my marriage had finished its course. I really didn’t know how to answer the question. I was married, without question I would continue to be married if my husband were still alive (this side of Heaven). Single didn’t feel like the right answer, but widow wasn’t one of my options. Following that conversation, this new reality hit me like a ton of bricks. Then the Lord whispered to my heart…. “love remains!” This brought to my remembrance 1 Corinthians 13, you know the LOVE chapter of the Bible that is often read at weddings. Verse 13 of this beautiful and challenging passage of scripture says:
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Suddenly, in the midst of all I had lost when Mike died, I was reminded of three very special, very meaningful, and very important gifts that would remain with me.
- FAITH: God reminded me of how blessed I was and still am to have married a man of tremendous faith. Everyone who knew Mike before his cancer fight knew he had a great love and appreciation for food, but even greater was his appetite for God’s Word. He devoured the Bible and was so faithful as a husband to wash me, his bride, with the water of the Word. Even though I don’t have him with me, my life has been forever impacted by his great faith. It is a legacy I find in his sermons, in his study notes, and in his journals. It is engraved on my heart from the multitude of conversations and times spent in prayer together. It is a faith in Jesus that we shared and that I continue to rely upon each day.
- HOPE: Though there is sorrow, I know that this sorrow is not without hope. God has been so faithful to remind me that because of the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ, we who have believed in Him for forgiveness and salvation will see Mike again. In John 11:25, Jesus says to Martha upon the death of Lazarus, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live.” John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” John 14:1-3 says, “Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. 2 In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.” That last scripture was a profound one for me…”Let not your hearts be troubled”….why?…because Jesus went to get Heaven ready for us and He is coming back for us. In one of Mike’s last recorded messages, he reminded me of the hope of Heaven, an eternity with Jesus. Basing off of Philippians 1, Mike confidently declared the superiority of Heaven over the greatest experiences that life on this earth has to offer. I know that while I’m missing him, Mike is not missing out but has gotten a jump-start on Heaven. This life is so short, it’s but a vapor, and then together we will glory in our Savior. I also know today that “Because He lives, I can face tomorrow, Because He lives, all fear is gone, Because I know He holds the future, And life is worth the living just because He lives.”
- LOVE: God ministered to me that while our marriage has been completed, the love Mike and I have for one another will never end. Love never fails and it never ceases. God is love. We love because He loved us first. I believe in Heaven, our love will only grow deeper, purer, and truer with the absence of sin. While Mike may not be with me physically, the impact of the love he displayed to me will always remain. I sense his joy and excitement over the opportunities that come our way and the surprising or just plain silly things the kids do. I’m not sure if that’s just from knowing him so well and anticipating how he would respond, but whenever I think on Mike I feel as though I get a glimpse of pure joy, freedom, and the love of Jesus.
Some of you who have seen me and know me, may have recognized that I have not been wearing my wedding rings for some time. In its place I wear a ring bearing three crystal crosses with the scripture reference 1 Cor 13:8 “Love never fails.” My reason for doing so came from this encounter I had with the Lord. For me, it is a personal declaration to my God that I am accepting this cup of suffering from Him and it is also a faithful reminder for me that though marriage doesn’t last forever, love remains, that love endures forever.
I pray God would continue to help me grow in love, that the Lord would allow His love to permeate every fiber of my being so that every encounter I have in this life would leave people with a taste of the unfailing, everlasting love of Jesus. I fail so often to make His love known, but this is a work I sense He wants to do in me, a work He seeks to do in all of us. There is so much more that could be said, but I will save that for another day.
(Written August 2017)